Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i drank out of a bidet.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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