his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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