They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
