It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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