I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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