i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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