she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
