Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
