Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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