I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
