What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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