I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
