i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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