Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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