very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
