The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
