Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I believe in your delicious
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
