I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
