hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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