I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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