I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
