If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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