I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
