i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I want her autograph on my taint
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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