6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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