Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
