I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
