he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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