he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
