Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
