The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
