I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
