so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
