Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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