Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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