we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
