Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
