Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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