Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
