tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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