i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Couch. On fire.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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