The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
