Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
