I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
