Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
