I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my phone needs a breathalizer
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
