I wish my penis had an off switch
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
