the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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