I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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