How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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