WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
