In the future we'll all be gay
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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